This morning, as I sit nibbling on my granola before heading out to work, I’m overwhelmed by the sight of the sun glistening off the frost outside. More and more it appears as if summer is fighting its way back to the North. Its exciting to see the seasons change and observe the beauty in each.
It is amazing how God knows exactly when we need a fresh touch from him. A friend and I began talking last night about our lives and hunger to be in the exact place that we were designed to me. As we began to pray with each other, God swept in the room in a powerful and beautiful way; like only he can. Soon, the myriad of overwhelming situations melted away and was replaced by the peace that I’ve become so dependent upon.
There is nothing quite like spending time with God.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Monday, April 16, 2007
Church, Naked pictures and Poor Planning
There are times when our best attempts to present a polished look at God fail in tremendous and hilarious ways. Yesterday was one of those times.
Our church is beginning a series called, DNA of Grace: uncovering the genealogy of Jesus. To kick off the series, we decided to present the first lesson with a drama based loosely on Mark Twain’s, Diary of Adam and Eve.
Up on the stage, Toby, Nate Nicholls, and I sat on black stools facing the church, ready to begin this depiction of the interactions between God, Adam, and Eve. We began the piece with hilarious moments when Adam and Eve discover each other and try to determine each other’s animal type, moving toward their exploration of the garden and creation. As we were speaking, I began to notice that people weren’t necessarily watching us, but were keeping an eye on the projector screen behind us at the back of the stage. Quickly glancing back, I noticed a picture of a beautiful green landscape and gave a quick thought of appreciation to my friend, Margie, for creating an Eden-esque backdrop for our drama.
As we progressed through the skit, I began to get concerned when people seemed to giggle when God was reprimanding Adam, or look embarrassed at the ground when Eve was cracking a joke; I wondered if the piece wasn’t as well written as we thought.
Finally, the sketch ended and Toby gave his conclusion, trying to salvage what remained from an obviously confused and amused audience. It wasn’t until afterward, that we learned the cause of the congregation’s diverted attention.
Soon into the start of the sketch, the laptop that had been used earlier to display songs and announcements, fell into the screen saver mode and began to share pictures from Margie’s personal photo album. Because the show began with a few pictures of landscape, people assumed this was part of the presentation. Quickly, however, the images shifted to a series of Adam and Eve portraits that had been turned down because of their semi-nude depictions. From there, the computer pulled up a folder of her “rejected family photos”, and began sharing them with the world. There were photos of her mimicking a Buddha in Hong Kong, playing with her family, making faces in a foreign graveyard, swimming in the Mediterranean Sea, and other decidedly embarrassing, captured moments. To make matters worse, random pictures were thrown in, including cartoons, a portrait of MC Hammer, and a woman in purple spandex that people mistakenly thought was me! Apparently, the montage continued for quite some time before ending when the computer went into sleep mode and relieved the audience with a blank screen.
Hysterically laughing at the thought of seriously sharing a Bible Story with a spontaneous slide show in the background, Toby and I debriefed some friends at church. Katie said, “I just assumed that it was supposed to be a part of the skit. I keep thinking, ‘Okay… this picture of Margie’s dad represents the many people who have come from Adam and Eve… and this picture of a bikini-clad, praying African woman are the various cultures that have emerged.’ But, I was confused when the picture of someone’s laundry hanging out to dry came up.”
Her husband responded, “I agree. I was following along until the shot of the four grandmas in their bathing suits. As the camera panned down their wrinkled legs, I couldn’t find the connection. Then, when the show ended I thought, ‘Wow, they ran out of pictures before the skit finished. Now, that’s poor planning.’”
Our church is beginning a series called, DNA of Grace: uncovering the genealogy of Jesus. To kick off the series, we decided to present the first lesson with a drama based loosely on Mark Twain’s, Diary of Adam and Eve.
Up on the stage, Toby, Nate Nicholls, and I sat on black stools facing the church, ready to begin this depiction of the interactions between God, Adam, and Eve. We began the piece with hilarious moments when Adam and Eve discover each other and try to determine each other’s animal type, moving toward their exploration of the garden and creation. As we were speaking, I began to notice that people weren’t necessarily watching us, but were keeping an eye on the projector screen behind us at the back of the stage. Quickly glancing back, I noticed a picture of a beautiful green landscape and gave a quick thought of appreciation to my friend, Margie, for creating an Eden-esque backdrop for our drama.
As we progressed through the skit, I began to get concerned when people seemed to giggle when God was reprimanding Adam, or look embarrassed at the ground when Eve was cracking a joke; I wondered if the piece wasn’t as well written as we thought.
Finally, the sketch ended and Toby gave his conclusion, trying to salvage what remained from an obviously confused and amused audience. It wasn’t until afterward, that we learned the cause of the congregation’s diverted attention.
Soon into the start of the sketch, the laptop that had been used earlier to display songs and announcements, fell into the screen saver mode and began to share pictures from Margie’s personal photo album. Because the show began with a few pictures of landscape, people assumed this was part of the presentation. Quickly, however, the images shifted to a series of Adam and Eve portraits that had been turned down because of their semi-nude depictions. From there, the computer pulled up a folder of her “rejected family photos”, and began sharing them with the world. There were photos of her mimicking a Buddha in Hong Kong, playing with her family, making faces in a foreign graveyard, swimming in the Mediterranean Sea, and other decidedly embarrassing, captured moments. To make matters worse, random pictures were thrown in, including cartoons, a portrait of MC Hammer, and a woman in purple spandex that people mistakenly thought was me! Apparently, the montage continued for quite some time before ending when the computer went into sleep mode and relieved the audience with a blank screen.
Hysterically laughing at the thought of seriously sharing a Bible Story with a spontaneous slide show in the background, Toby and I debriefed some friends at church. Katie said, “I just assumed that it was supposed to be a part of the skit. I keep thinking, ‘Okay… this picture of Margie’s dad represents the many people who have come from Adam and Eve… and this picture of a bikini-clad, praying African woman are the various cultures that have emerged.’ But, I was confused when the picture of someone’s laundry hanging out to dry came up.”
Her husband responded, “I agree. I was following along until the shot of the four grandmas in their bathing suits. As the camera panned down their wrinkled legs, I couldn’t find the connection. Then, when the show ended I thought, ‘Wow, they ran out of pictures before the skit finished. Now, that’s poor planning.’”
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Faith and Science
I recently heard an interview with Sir John Houghton, one of the world’s preeminent climatologists, regarding his thoughts on the conflict between faith in God and scientific reason. As a highly distinguished scientist, and former professor of atmospheric physics at Oxford University, he has given most of his career to studying global warming and encouraging the international community to address its tremendous impact on the globe. An unapologetic Christian, Houghton has voiced the belief that science and religion complement one another; an idea that unnerves the conservative and fundamentalist religious community.
In this highly intriguing interview with PBS's Bill Moyer, Sir John Houghton shares his thoughts on creation, the Bible as a scientific book, and faith in God.
Well worth listening to.
Sir John Houghton Interview (26:13)
In this highly intriguing interview with PBS's Bill Moyer, Sir John Houghton shares his thoughts on creation, the Bible as a scientific book, and faith in God.
Well worth listening to.
Sir John Houghton Interview (26:13)
Thursday, April 12, 2007
The wisdom of Dwight
"Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?'
And if they would, I do not do that thing."
Dwight from, The Office
Monday, April 09, 2007
A beautiful day
Yesterday was an amazing opportunity to experience the Easter story in a creative, personal way. Our church (http://www.thejourneyanchorage.org/) had an interactive service in which we participated in The Journey Passion. Following the story of Jesus’ last weeks on earth, we viewed artwork throughout the centuries, listened to a creative narrative on the scriptures, and sang traditional and new songs depicting the elements of the journey.
We viewed Hubert, Michelangelo, and Chagall. We listened to John, Luke, Peterson, and Toby. We sang to Delirious, PCD, Bennard and Caedmon’s Call. We closed with U2’s It’s a Beautiful Day.
And it was… a beautiful day.
We viewed Hubert, Michelangelo, and Chagall. We listened to John, Luke, Peterson, and Toby. We sang to Delirious, PCD, Bennard and Caedmon’s Call. We closed with U2’s It’s a Beautiful Day.
And it was… a beautiful day.
Saturday, April 07, 2007
Idolatry and Identity
Recently, I had an explosive moment of revelation burst through my mind (a somewhat startling event). All of my life, I’ve been taught that worship with idols was wrong, due to the admonitions against it in the Ten Commandments. The simplified explanation for this was that when we create and worship an image of God, we steal from him by substituting God for an object.
However, I believe there is much more to it than this. According to scripture, we humans were designed to represent God, to live and breathe created in his image. When we allow an idol to take the position of depicting God, we steal from our own calling and privilege to reflect Christ.
So, how does this relate to the teachings that things other than statues can be idols in our lives? Perhaps when we allow our career, hobbies, people, or addictions to become more important than God, we allow them to signify our identity; when our identity should be found in Christ. In this reciprocal relationship with God, we have been chosen to reflect his image through our lives and in turn, we find our identity in him.
What an amazing gift and opportunity. Although I’ve always felt this was a non-issue for me, I’m purposed even more to live my life idol-free.
However, I believe there is much more to it than this. According to scripture, we humans were designed to represent God, to live and breathe created in his image. When we allow an idol to take the position of depicting God, we steal from our own calling and privilege to reflect Christ.
So, how does this relate to the teachings that things other than statues can be idols in our lives? Perhaps when we allow our career, hobbies, people, or addictions to become more important than God, we allow them to signify our identity; when our identity should be found in Christ. In this reciprocal relationship with God, we have been chosen to reflect his image through our lives and in turn, we find our identity in him.
What an amazing gift and opportunity. Although I’ve always felt this was a non-issue for me, I’m purposed even more to live my life idol-free.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Exercising my brain
For the past several years, I’ve had this distinct fear that I’m losing my mind. Not that I’m going crazy, but that I’m losing my capacity for cognitive processing and memory retention. It is reasonable that changes in my mental performance could be due to age and stress, in addition to the several head injuries I’ve sustained over the years. However, I recently read a series of articles in Newsweek that really opened my eyes into a new possibility.
Researchers are discovering the unique, and highly linked, relationship between aerobic exercise and the brain. Discoveries have shown us that as little as 30 minutes of aerobic exercise, three times a week, helps the brain create new neurons and develop stronger neurotransmitters. In addition, exercise increases several key chemicals, including brain-derived neurotrophic factor or BDNF.
What does all this mean? In addition to helping us control our weight and reduce stress, aerobic exercise can actually increase memory capacity, speed of information processing, control ADHD, and stave off Alzheimers. Researchers are saying a person who begins exercising at any point in their life, will begin to see results in several weeks. The key is to maintain exercising, as these effects require consistent support.
The interesting element is evidence that indicates that children who are exposed to exercise develop long-term effects of brain power. As their minds are young and supple, the increased neurons and neurotransmitters have a lasting effect that will stay with them for years.
So, maybe I have lost brain power as compared to my brilliant youth. But there is something I can do about it.
For more info check out: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17662246/site/newsweek/
Researchers are discovering the unique, and highly linked, relationship between aerobic exercise and the brain. Discoveries have shown us that as little as 30 minutes of aerobic exercise, three times a week, helps the brain create new neurons and develop stronger neurotransmitters. In addition, exercise increases several key chemicals, including brain-derived neurotrophic factor or BDNF.
What does all this mean? In addition to helping us control our weight and reduce stress, aerobic exercise can actually increase memory capacity, speed of information processing, control ADHD, and stave off Alzheimers. Researchers are saying a person who begins exercising at any point in their life, will begin to see results in several weeks. The key is to maintain exercising, as these effects require consistent support.
The interesting element is evidence that indicates that children who are exposed to exercise develop long-term effects of brain power. As their minds are young and supple, the increased neurons and neurotransmitters have a lasting effect that will stay with them for years.
So, maybe I have lost brain power as compared to my brilliant youth. But there is something I can do about it.
For more info check out: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17662246/site/newsweek/
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
A call to return
This weekend, I spent some time in San Francisco with some amazing people; all uniquely gifted and minded, yet joined in their search for authentic relationships with Christ. It was thrilling and refreshing, to say the least, to be surrounded by people who seem to feel the same heartbeat as I: hungry for pure God, tired of religiosity, and desperate for an intimate touch from the Creator.
In the past year, I keep hearing the same words whispered in back corners of cafés, hashed over kitchen tables, and screaming through silent emails. People are frustrated with traditional, don’t ask questions, tow the party line, this is the way it has always been done, beliefs. There is a cry to live honest truth, to experience a 21st century gospel, through the bare naked scripture of Christ’s day.
It’s not quite a revolution. Somewhat a reformission. Certainly, a call to return.
In the past year, I keep hearing the same words whispered in back corners of cafés, hashed over kitchen tables, and screaming through silent emails. People are frustrated with traditional, don’t ask questions, tow the party line, this is the way it has always been done, beliefs. There is a cry to live honest truth, to experience a 21st century gospel, through the bare naked scripture of Christ’s day.
It’s not quite a revolution. Somewhat a reformission. Certainly, a call to return.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
To do or to be? That is the question.
Last week I caught myself completing my yearly routine of searching for the ultimate calendar/organizer. After years of going back and forth between full-size, half-size, weekly, monthly, daily, and plain notebook formats, I wound my way back to the simple Planner Pad that has become my fallback for the past several years.
The problem is that I love to organize my life, but I hate being organized. While I desperately need order and structure, too much detail throws me into a tailspin and I run wildly in the reverse direction. To find a balance between my anal-retentive self and my free-flowing self, I find a minor source of relief in the Planner Pads.
According to these calendars, you have the ability to structure your life into categories of tasks and duties. I’ve chosen the following six: Spirit (my walk with God), Passion (my love of writing), Self (my personal needs), Connect (my social needs), Home (my residence needs), and Journey (my church needs). For several years, I’ve created plans, scheduled tasks, and longingly searched for items to cross off of my endless lists. But, still I find myself lacking.
Lately, I’ve begun to realize that my need for the perfect calendar is driven by my desire of What-I-Want-To-Do. While this seems to be obvious, I’m learning that what I truly long for is a quest into Who-I-Want-To-Be. While tasks and duties will always abound, my focus must become more relative toward inner change, rather than outer maintenance.
This concept has the potential to completely change the way I structure my days and my life. I want to be defined by who I am, not what I do. I want to be known for the character that I possess, not the accomplishments I’ve made. I want to be remembered for my inner strength, identity, and resolve, not that I never missed an appointment.
So, what does this do to my calendar? I don’t know. Will I change my category titles? Probably not. But I will definitely begin to redesign the eternal lists that I use to define myself and my quest for productive, effective days.
The problem is that I love to organize my life, but I hate being organized. While I desperately need order and structure, too much detail throws me into a tailspin and I run wildly in the reverse direction. To find a balance between my anal-retentive self and my free-flowing self, I find a minor source of relief in the Planner Pads.
According to these calendars, you have the ability to structure your life into categories of tasks and duties. I’ve chosen the following six: Spirit (my walk with God), Passion (my love of writing), Self (my personal needs), Connect (my social needs), Home (my residence needs), and Journey (my church needs). For several years, I’ve created plans, scheduled tasks, and longingly searched for items to cross off of my endless lists. But, still I find myself lacking.
Lately, I’ve begun to realize that my need for the perfect calendar is driven by my desire of What-I-Want-To-Do. While this seems to be obvious, I’m learning that what I truly long for is a quest into Who-I-Want-To-Be. While tasks and duties will always abound, my focus must become more relative toward inner change, rather than outer maintenance.
This concept has the potential to completely change the way I structure my days and my life. I want to be defined by who I am, not what I do. I want to be known for the character that I possess, not the accomplishments I’ve made. I want to be remembered for my inner strength, identity, and resolve, not that I never missed an appointment.
So, what does this do to my calendar? I don’t know. Will I change my category titles? Probably not. But I will definitely begin to redesign the eternal lists that I use to define myself and my quest for productive, effective days.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Quote of the Week: Mark Driscoll
What do you see as the greatest challenge for young Christians in the next 10 years?
"There is a strong drift toward the hard theological left. Some emergent types [want] to recast Jesus as a limp-wrist hippie in a dress with a lot of product in His hair, who drank decaf and made pithy Zen statements about life while shopping for the perfect pair of shoes.
In Revelation, Jesus is a pride fighter with a tattoo down His leg, a sword in His hand and a commitment to make someone bleed. That is a guy I can worship. I cannot worship the hippie, diaper, halo Christ because I cannot worship a guy I can beat up.
I fear some are becoming more cultural than Christian, and without a big Jesus who has authority and hates sin as revealed in the Bible, we will have less and less Christians and more and more confused, spiritually self-righteous blogger critics of Christianity." - Mark Driscoll
Excerpt from 7 Big Questions, Relevant Magazine, Jan 2007
"There is a strong drift toward the hard theological left. Some emergent types [want] to recast Jesus as a limp-wrist hippie in a dress with a lot of product in His hair, who drank decaf and made pithy Zen statements about life while shopping for the perfect pair of shoes.
In Revelation, Jesus is a pride fighter with a tattoo down His leg, a sword in His hand and a commitment to make someone bleed. That is a guy I can worship. I cannot worship the hippie, diaper, halo Christ because I cannot worship a guy I can beat up.
I fear some are becoming more cultural than Christian, and without a big Jesus who has authority and hates sin as revealed in the Bible, we will have less and less Christians and more and more confused, spiritually self-righteous blogger critics of Christianity." - Mark Driscoll
Excerpt from 7 Big Questions, Relevant Magazine, Jan 2007
Following the light
For the past few weeks… several months… year and a half, I’ve hated getting up for work every morning. The people are okay, but I feel as though I’m mindlessly spinning my wheels while my real life is out there, somewhere, waiting for me.
Finally, I’d had enough. So after several weeks of praying seriously about the matter, I began to feel some peace, I recognized the next few steps that I needed to take to get to my dreams and I began seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Last night I went to bed earlier than normal, around eight o’clock, slept sound, and for the first time in a long time, I woke up bright and early this morning: excited and ready to plunge myself into my work.
As Toby was driving me into work, on this chilly morning, I felt anticipation as I mentally organized my day into areas of progress. And then it hit me. Literally. Flying in from the right was a speeding truck, flashing through a stop sign and ramming our vehicle just past the passenger’s door. As our suburban began spinning across four lanes and finally wedged itself into the sidewalk across the street, I thought… Is this a joke? Where are the cameras? The one day I am positive about going to work and we get hit by a truck?
At this point, I’d like to wax philosophical and ask questions like: How often do we think we have finally begun to “get it together” and something totally unexpected throws us completely off track? But the truth of the matter is, I’m just tired, sore, and confused.
Was it a sign that I should continue to gaze longingly out the window of my office, wishing I were elsewhere? Does it mean that I need to be happy with where I am? Or could it be simply that there was a lot of ice and the other driver was speeding?
I still believe that my real life is waiting for me. And I believe that I’m in the process of finding my way there. Perhaps this is just a detour or a opportunity to slow down and pack a few extra bags. Either way, I’m going to realign myself, get back on the road and keep traveling forward. If I look closely, I believe I can still see the light.
Finally, I’d had enough. So after several weeks of praying seriously about the matter, I began to feel some peace, I recognized the next few steps that I needed to take to get to my dreams and I began seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Last night I went to bed earlier than normal, around eight o’clock, slept sound, and for the first time in a long time, I woke up bright and early this morning: excited and ready to plunge myself into my work.
As Toby was driving me into work, on this chilly morning, I felt anticipation as I mentally organized my day into areas of progress. And then it hit me. Literally. Flying in from the right was a speeding truck, flashing through a stop sign and ramming our vehicle just past the passenger’s door. As our suburban began spinning across four lanes and finally wedged itself into the sidewalk across the street, I thought… Is this a joke? Where are the cameras? The one day I am positive about going to work and we get hit by a truck?
At this point, I’d like to wax philosophical and ask questions like: How often do we think we have finally begun to “get it together” and something totally unexpected throws us completely off track? But the truth of the matter is, I’m just tired, sore, and confused.
Was it a sign that I should continue to gaze longingly out the window of my office, wishing I were elsewhere? Does it mean that I need to be happy with where I am? Or could it be simply that there was a lot of ice and the other driver was speeding?
I still believe that my real life is waiting for me. And I believe that I’m in the process of finding my way there. Perhaps this is just a detour or a opportunity to slow down and pack a few extra bags. Either way, I’m going to realign myself, get back on the road and keep traveling forward. If I look closely, I believe I can still see the light.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Getting to know me
As always, with the New Year come the ever ambitious resolutions; hopes for a new leaf, dreams of an instant transformation, and quests for improved lifestyles. In keeping with the traditional optimism, I’ve carefully created my ample list of promises, narrowed them down with the fine comb of reality, and settled on a few changes that have the potential to change my world.
The first resolution I’ve determined is simply a renewal of a vow that I’ve taken every year. It is the direct result of my deep hunger to know God in the intimate, honest way that he desires to communicate with his people. I want to seek him more through study of the words that he breathed just for mankind. I want to see him through the inspiring beauty of nature and the exploring venue of art. I want to touch him as I walk through life with people of all types and backgrounds, recognizing that they were all created in his unique image. And I want to know him through daily talks about the magnitude of life, challenges, hopes, and dreams, and the mundane chatter of observations, ponderings, and chitchat.
The second resolution is an attempt to change my physical lifestyle: I plan to continue improving my eating habits and setting aside more time for my workouts. Several months ago, I began reading “Healthy Weight for Every Body – Mayo Clinic”. The book is amazing and is extremely easy to follow. It is not a diet plan, rather a guide to eating nutritionally balanced meals and learning exercise routines to benefit your body type and lifestyle goals. As I can stand to lose a couple of pounds, I’ve tried to follow the guide as well as possible and plan to do this even more so in 2007. In addition, I’ve set several physical goals for myself, including… running the Women’s Marathon in June in support of the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. I know that my future is predicated upon having a healthy body to live out my dreams and I plan to do what I can ensure that I can live a full, healthy life.
The third resolution is by far going to be the toughest one for me. This year, I plan to become a more transparent person. Sounds quite simple, but for Ellen Stevens this is a personality death sentence. All of my life I’ve been an excellent wall builder. I’ve maintained a strong façade and carefully protected people from having to know my problems, challenges, and dreams. And I’m very tired of this.
I began this Blog last year in an attempt to communicate myself to whomever. However, in the fall of last year, my writings grew few. Why? Because my life became filled with burdensome events and I didn’t feel safe enough to reveal them, and as I’m not a great chitchat kind of gal, I didn’t feel like I could write anything at all. Enough is enough. From here on out, I want to be open about who I am, and when it is appropriate, share my inner thoughts. I want live a life of integrity and that includes being honest about the goings-on in my world.
I will share my frustration with infertility, my pain over burying a child, my fears of cancer, my disappointment over empty friendships, my disgust for shallow people, my love for nature, my quest for passion, my angst for my dreadful job, my confusions in scripture, my hopes for a blessed church, and my dreams of being a writer. While doing this, I will not worry about what you think of me. I will not stress about what my parents might feel when I reveal who I am. I will not wonder what will happen to my husband when I explore my questions about God – although he tells me to explore on and not dwell on the ripples.
While this transformation is grand with intent, I know that this will take the pain of time. Even so, I will be transparent. I will be honest. I will live with integrity. I will be free.
I will finally get to know, and learn to share… me.
The first resolution I’ve determined is simply a renewal of a vow that I’ve taken every year. It is the direct result of my deep hunger to know God in the intimate, honest way that he desires to communicate with his people. I want to seek him more through study of the words that he breathed just for mankind. I want to see him through the inspiring beauty of nature and the exploring venue of art. I want to touch him as I walk through life with people of all types and backgrounds, recognizing that they were all created in his unique image. And I want to know him through daily talks about the magnitude of life, challenges, hopes, and dreams, and the mundane chatter of observations, ponderings, and chitchat.
The second resolution is an attempt to change my physical lifestyle: I plan to continue improving my eating habits and setting aside more time for my workouts. Several months ago, I began reading “Healthy Weight for Every Body – Mayo Clinic”. The book is amazing and is extremely easy to follow. It is not a diet plan, rather a guide to eating nutritionally balanced meals and learning exercise routines to benefit your body type and lifestyle goals. As I can stand to lose a couple of pounds, I’ve tried to follow the guide as well as possible and plan to do this even more so in 2007. In addition, I’ve set several physical goals for myself, including… running the Women’s Marathon in June in support of the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. I know that my future is predicated upon having a healthy body to live out my dreams and I plan to do what I can ensure that I can live a full, healthy life.
The third resolution is by far going to be the toughest one for me. This year, I plan to become a more transparent person. Sounds quite simple, but for Ellen Stevens this is a personality death sentence. All of my life I’ve been an excellent wall builder. I’ve maintained a strong façade and carefully protected people from having to know my problems, challenges, and dreams. And I’m very tired of this.
I began this Blog last year in an attempt to communicate myself to whomever. However, in the fall of last year, my writings grew few. Why? Because my life became filled with burdensome events and I didn’t feel safe enough to reveal them, and as I’m not a great chitchat kind of gal, I didn’t feel like I could write anything at all. Enough is enough. From here on out, I want to be open about who I am, and when it is appropriate, share my inner thoughts. I want live a life of integrity and that includes being honest about the goings-on in my world.
I will share my frustration with infertility, my pain over burying a child, my fears of cancer, my disappointment over empty friendships, my disgust for shallow people, my love for nature, my quest for passion, my angst for my dreadful job, my confusions in scripture, my hopes for a blessed church, and my dreams of being a writer. While doing this, I will not worry about what you think of me. I will not stress about what my parents might feel when I reveal who I am. I will not wonder what will happen to my husband when I explore my questions about God – although he tells me to explore on and not dwell on the ripples.
While this transformation is grand with intent, I know that this will take the pain of time. Even so, I will be transparent. I will be honest. I will live with integrity. I will be free.
I will finally get to know, and learn to share… me.
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