Last week I caught myself completing my yearly routine of searching for the ultimate calendar/organizer. After years of going back and forth between full-size, half-size, weekly, monthly, daily, and plain notebook formats, I wound my way back to the simple Planner Pad that has become my fallback for the past several years.
The problem is that I love to organize my life, but I hate being organized. While I desperately need order and structure, too much detail throws me into a tailspin and I run wildly in the reverse direction. To find a balance between my anal-retentive self and my free-flowing self, I find a minor source of relief in the Planner Pads.
According to these calendars, you have the ability to structure your life into categories of tasks and duties. I’ve chosen the following six: Spirit (my walk with God), Passion (my love of writing), Self (my personal needs), Connect (my social needs), Home (my residence needs), and Journey (my church needs). For several years, I’ve created plans, scheduled tasks, and longingly searched for items to cross off of my endless lists. But, still I find myself lacking.
Lately, I’ve begun to realize that my need for the perfect calendar is driven by my desire of What-I-Want-To-Do. While this seems to be obvious, I’m learning that what I truly long for is a quest into Who-I-Want-To-Be. While tasks and duties will always abound, my focus must become more relative toward inner change, rather than outer maintenance.
This concept has the potential to completely change the way I structure my days and my life. I want to be defined by who I am, not what I do. I want to be known for the character that I possess, not the accomplishments I’ve made. I want to be remembered for my inner strength, identity, and resolve, not that I never missed an appointment.
So, what does this do to my calendar? I don’t know. Will I change my category titles? Probably not. But I will definitely begin to redesign the eternal lists that I use to define myself and my quest for productive, effective days.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Quote of the Week: Mark Driscoll
What do you see as the greatest challenge for young Christians in the next 10 years?
"There is a strong drift toward the hard theological left. Some emergent types [want] to recast Jesus as a limp-wrist hippie in a dress with a lot of product in His hair, who drank decaf and made pithy Zen statements about life while shopping for the perfect pair of shoes.
In Revelation, Jesus is a pride fighter with a tattoo down His leg, a sword in His hand and a commitment to make someone bleed. That is a guy I can worship. I cannot worship the hippie, diaper, halo Christ because I cannot worship a guy I can beat up.
I fear some are becoming more cultural than Christian, and without a big Jesus who has authority and hates sin as revealed in the Bible, we will have less and less Christians and more and more confused, spiritually self-righteous blogger critics of Christianity." - Mark Driscoll
Excerpt from 7 Big Questions, Relevant Magazine, Jan 2007
"There is a strong drift toward the hard theological left. Some emergent types [want] to recast Jesus as a limp-wrist hippie in a dress with a lot of product in His hair, who drank decaf and made pithy Zen statements about life while shopping for the perfect pair of shoes.
In Revelation, Jesus is a pride fighter with a tattoo down His leg, a sword in His hand and a commitment to make someone bleed. That is a guy I can worship. I cannot worship the hippie, diaper, halo Christ because I cannot worship a guy I can beat up.
I fear some are becoming more cultural than Christian, and without a big Jesus who has authority and hates sin as revealed in the Bible, we will have less and less Christians and more and more confused, spiritually self-righteous blogger critics of Christianity." - Mark Driscoll
Excerpt from 7 Big Questions, Relevant Magazine, Jan 2007
Following the light
For the past few weeks… several months… year and a half, I’ve hated getting up for work every morning. The people are okay, but I feel as though I’m mindlessly spinning my wheels while my real life is out there, somewhere, waiting for me.
Finally, I’d had enough. So after several weeks of praying seriously about the matter, I began to feel some peace, I recognized the next few steps that I needed to take to get to my dreams and I began seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Last night I went to bed earlier than normal, around eight o’clock, slept sound, and for the first time in a long time, I woke up bright and early this morning: excited and ready to plunge myself into my work.
As Toby was driving me into work, on this chilly morning, I felt anticipation as I mentally organized my day into areas of progress. And then it hit me. Literally. Flying in from the right was a speeding truck, flashing through a stop sign and ramming our vehicle just past the passenger’s door. As our suburban began spinning across four lanes and finally wedged itself into the sidewalk across the street, I thought… Is this a joke? Where are the cameras? The one day I am positive about going to work and we get hit by a truck?
At this point, I’d like to wax philosophical and ask questions like: How often do we think we have finally begun to “get it together” and something totally unexpected throws us completely off track? But the truth of the matter is, I’m just tired, sore, and confused.
Was it a sign that I should continue to gaze longingly out the window of my office, wishing I were elsewhere? Does it mean that I need to be happy with where I am? Or could it be simply that there was a lot of ice and the other driver was speeding?
I still believe that my real life is waiting for me. And I believe that I’m in the process of finding my way there. Perhaps this is just a detour or a opportunity to slow down and pack a few extra bags. Either way, I’m going to realign myself, get back on the road and keep traveling forward. If I look closely, I believe I can still see the light.
Finally, I’d had enough. So after several weeks of praying seriously about the matter, I began to feel some peace, I recognized the next few steps that I needed to take to get to my dreams and I began seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Last night I went to bed earlier than normal, around eight o’clock, slept sound, and for the first time in a long time, I woke up bright and early this morning: excited and ready to plunge myself into my work.
As Toby was driving me into work, on this chilly morning, I felt anticipation as I mentally organized my day into areas of progress. And then it hit me. Literally. Flying in from the right was a speeding truck, flashing through a stop sign and ramming our vehicle just past the passenger’s door. As our suburban began spinning across four lanes and finally wedged itself into the sidewalk across the street, I thought… Is this a joke? Where are the cameras? The one day I am positive about going to work and we get hit by a truck?
At this point, I’d like to wax philosophical and ask questions like: How often do we think we have finally begun to “get it together” and something totally unexpected throws us completely off track? But the truth of the matter is, I’m just tired, sore, and confused.
Was it a sign that I should continue to gaze longingly out the window of my office, wishing I were elsewhere? Does it mean that I need to be happy with where I am? Or could it be simply that there was a lot of ice and the other driver was speeding?
I still believe that my real life is waiting for me. And I believe that I’m in the process of finding my way there. Perhaps this is just a detour or a opportunity to slow down and pack a few extra bags. Either way, I’m going to realign myself, get back on the road and keep traveling forward. If I look closely, I believe I can still see the light.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Getting to know me
As always, with the New Year come the ever ambitious resolutions; hopes for a new leaf, dreams of an instant transformation, and quests for improved lifestyles. In keeping with the traditional optimism, I’ve carefully created my ample list of promises, narrowed them down with the fine comb of reality, and settled on a few changes that have the potential to change my world.
The first resolution I’ve determined is simply a renewal of a vow that I’ve taken every year. It is the direct result of my deep hunger to know God in the intimate, honest way that he desires to communicate with his people. I want to seek him more through study of the words that he breathed just for mankind. I want to see him through the inspiring beauty of nature and the exploring venue of art. I want to touch him as I walk through life with people of all types and backgrounds, recognizing that they were all created in his unique image. And I want to know him through daily talks about the magnitude of life, challenges, hopes, and dreams, and the mundane chatter of observations, ponderings, and chitchat.
The second resolution is an attempt to change my physical lifestyle: I plan to continue improving my eating habits and setting aside more time for my workouts. Several months ago, I began reading “Healthy Weight for Every Body – Mayo Clinic”. The book is amazing and is extremely easy to follow. It is not a diet plan, rather a guide to eating nutritionally balanced meals and learning exercise routines to benefit your body type and lifestyle goals. As I can stand to lose a couple of pounds, I’ve tried to follow the guide as well as possible and plan to do this even more so in 2007. In addition, I’ve set several physical goals for myself, including… running the Women’s Marathon in June in support of the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. I know that my future is predicated upon having a healthy body to live out my dreams and I plan to do what I can ensure that I can live a full, healthy life.
The third resolution is by far going to be the toughest one for me. This year, I plan to become a more transparent person. Sounds quite simple, but for Ellen Stevens this is a personality death sentence. All of my life I’ve been an excellent wall builder. I’ve maintained a strong façade and carefully protected people from having to know my problems, challenges, and dreams. And I’m very tired of this.
I began this Blog last year in an attempt to communicate myself to whomever. However, in the fall of last year, my writings grew few. Why? Because my life became filled with burdensome events and I didn’t feel safe enough to reveal them, and as I’m not a great chitchat kind of gal, I didn’t feel like I could write anything at all. Enough is enough. From here on out, I want to be open about who I am, and when it is appropriate, share my inner thoughts. I want live a life of integrity and that includes being honest about the goings-on in my world.
I will share my frustration with infertility, my pain over burying a child, my fears of cancer, my disappointment over empty friendships, my disgust for shallow people, my love for nature, my quest for passion, my angst for my dreadful job, my confusions in scripture, my hopes for a blessed church, and my dreams of being a writer. While doing this, I will not worry about what you think of me. I will not stress about what my parents might feel when I reveal who I am. I will not wonder what will happen to my husband when I explore my questions about God – although he tells me to explore on and not dwell on the ripples.
While this transformation is grand with intent, I know that this will take the pain of time. Even so, I will be transparent. I will be honest. I will live with integrity. I will be free.
I will finally get to know, and learn to share… me.
The first resolution I’ve determined is simply a renewal of a vow that I’ve taken every year. It is the direct result of my deep hunger to know God in the intimate, honest way that he desires to communicate with his people. I want to seek him more through study of the words that he breathed just for mankind. I want to see him through the inspiring beauty of nature and the exploring venue of art. I want to touch him as I walk through life with people of all types and backgrounds, recognizing that they were all created in his unique image. And I want to know him through daily talks about the magnitude of life, challenges, hopes, and dreams, and the mundane chatter of observations, ponderings, and chitchat.
The second resolution is an attempt to change my physical lifestyle: I plan to continue improving my eating habits and setting aside more time for my workouts. Several months ago, I began reading “Healthy Weight for Every Body – Mayo Clinic”. The book is amazing and is extremely easy to follow. It is not a diet plan, rather a guide to eating nutritionally balanced meals and learning exercise routines to benefit your body type and lifestyle goals. As I can stand to lose a couple of pounds, I’ve tried to follow the guide as well as possible and plan to do this even more so in 2007. In addition, I’ve set several physical goals for myself, including… running the Women’s Marathon in June in support of the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. I know that my future is predicated upon having a healthy body to live out my dreams and I plan to do what I can ensure that I can live a full, healthy life.
The third resolution is by far going to be the toughest one for me. This year, I plan to become a more transparent person. Sounds quite simple, but for Ellen Stevens this is a personality death sentence. All of my life I’ve been an excellent wall builder. I’ve maintained a strong façade and carefully protected people from having to know my problems, challenges, and dreams. And I’m very tired of this.
I began this Blog last year in an attempt to communicate myself to whomever. However, in the fall of last year, my writings grew few. Why? Because my life became filled with burdensome events and I didn’t feel safe enough to reveal them, and as I’m not a great chitchat kind of gal, I didn’t feel like I could write anything at all. Enough is enough. From here on out, I want to be open about who I am, and when it is appropriate, share my inner thoughts. I want live a life of integrity and that includes being honest about the goings-on in my world.
I will share my frustration with infertility, my pain over burying a child, my fears of cancer, my disappointment over empty friendships, my disgust for shallow people, my love for nature, my quest for passion, my angst for my dreadful job, my confusions in scripture, my hopes for a blessed church, and my dreams of being a writer. While doing this, I will not worry about what you think of me. I will not stress about what my parents might feel when I reveal who I am. I will not wonder what will happen to my husband when I explore my questions about God – although he tells me to explore on and not dwell on the ripples.
While this transformation is grand with intent, I know that this will take the pain of time. Even so, I will be transparent. I will be honest. I will live with integrity. I will be free.
I will finally get to know, and learn to share… me.
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