Getting to know me

As always, with the New Year come the ever ambitious resolutions; hopes for a new leaf, dreams of an instant transformation, and quests for improved lifestyles. In keeping with the traditional optimism, I’ve carefully created my ample list of promises, narrowed them down with the fine comb of reality, and settled on a few changes that have the potential to change my world.

The first resolution I’ve determined is simply a renewal of a vow that I’ve taken every year. It is the direct result of my deep hunger to know God in the intimate, honest way that he desires to communicate with his people. I want to seek him more through study of the words that he breathed just for mankind. I want to see him through the inspiring beauty of nature and the exploring venue of art. I want to touch him as I walk through life with people of all types and backgrounds, recognizing that they were all created in his unique image. And I want to know him through daily talks about the magnitude of life, challenges, hopes, and dreams, and the mundane chatter of observations, ponderings, and chitchat.

The second resolution is an attempt to change my physical lifestyle: I plan to continue improving my eating habits and setting aside more time for my workouts. Several months ago, I began reading “Healthy Weight for Every Body – Mayo Clinic”. The book is amazing and is extremely easy to follow. It is not a diet plan, rather a guide to eating nutritionally balanced meals and learning exercise routines to benefit your body type and lifestyle goals. As I can stand to lose a couple of pounds, I’ve tried to follow the guide as well as possible and plan to do this even more so in 2007. In addition, I’ve set several physical goals for myself, including… running the Women’s Marathon in June in support of the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. I know that my future is predicated upon having a healthy body to live out my dreams and I plan to do what I can ensure that I can live a full, healthy life.

The third resolution is by far going to be the toughest one for me. This year, I plan to become a more transparent person. Sounds quite simple, but for Ellen Stevens this is a personality death sentence. All of my life I’ve been an excellent wall builder. I’ve maintained a strong façade and carefully protected people from having to know my problems, challenges, and dreams. And I’m very tired of this.

I began this Blog last year in an attempt to communicate myself to whomever. However, in the fall of last year, my writings grew few. Why? Because my life became filled with burdensome events and I didn’t feel safe enough to reveal them, and as I’m not a great chitchat kind of gal, I didn’t feel like I could write anything at all. Enough is enough. From here on out, I want to be open about who I am, and when it is appropriate, share my inner thoughts. I want live a life of integrity and that includes being honest about the goings-on in my world.

I will share my frustration with infertility, my pain over burying a child, my fears of cancer, my disappointment over empty friendships, my disgust for shallow people, my love for nature, my quest for passion, my angst for my dreadful job, my confusions in scripture, my hopes for a blessed church, and my dreams of being a writer. While doing this, I will not worry about what you think of me. I will not stress about what my parents might feel when I reveal who I am. I will not wonder what will happen to my husband when I explore my questions about God – although he tells me to explore on and not dwell on the ripples.

While this transformation is grand with intent, I know that this will take the pain of time. Even so, I will be transparent. I will be honest. I will live with integrity. I will be free.

I will finally get to know, and learn to share… me.