To do or to be? That is the question.

Last week I caught myself completing my yearly routine of searching for the ultimate calendar/organizer. After years of going back and forth between full-size, half-size, weekly, monthly, daily, and plain notebook formats, I wound my way back to the simple Planner Pad that has become my fallback for the past several years.

The problem is that I love to organize my life, but I hate being organized. While I desperately need order and structure, too much detail throws me into a tailspin and I run wildly in the reverse direction. To find a balance between my anal-retentive self and my free-flowing self, I find a minor source of relief in the Planner Pads.

According to these calendars, you have the ability to structure your life into categories of tasks and duties. I’ve chosen the following six: Spirit (my walk with God), Passion (my love of writing), Self (my personal needs), Connect (my social needs), Home (my residence needs), and Journey (my church needs). For several years, I’ve created plans, scheduled tasks, and longingly searched for items to cross off of my endless lists. But, still I find myself lacking.

Lately, I’ve begun to realize that my need for the perfect calendar is driven by my desire of What-I-Want-To-Do. While this seems to be obvious, I’m learning that what I truly long for is a quest into Who-I-Want-To-Be. While tasks and duties will always abound, my focus must become more relative toward inner change, rather than outer maintenance.

This concept has the potential to completely change the way I structure my days and my life. I want to be defined by who I am, not what I do. I want to be known for the character that I possess, not the accomplishments I’ve made. I want to be remembered for my inner strength, identity, and resolve, not that I never missed an appointment.

So, what does this do to my calendar? I don’t know. Will I change my category titles? Probably not. But I will definitely begin to redesign the eternal lists that I use to define myself and my quest for productive, effective days.